My First Two Weeks at Home
This is my second week at home without going to Houston. It has been wonderful not traveling, not seeing doctors, not having infusions and not sleeping in a hotel. But it has also been a very real time for me, inside my head. Up until now, I have hardly had a minute to myself, to really think about what has happened and what I have yet to go through.
These past couple weeks I have had so many personal eye-opening moments; some small, some very big. I had my hair cut again and it is currently to the top of my shoulders. I purchased flat shoes because I have swelling issues now that often hit my knee or feet and it sometimes hurts to walk as well as it makes me a bit unstable; high heels are probably not the best choice at this time. I have stopped wearing make up; my skin tone seems to change throughout the day, sometimes pale others with a yellow hue. None of which match the makeup in my bag. I cannot justify purchasing nor applying several different shades of makeup to keep up with my vanity. I have also had to come to the realization that "comfy" clothes are where it is at. Now, when I change my clothes 2 or 3 times in the morning, it is no longer because this doesn't match that or this would look better with that accessory, it is more along the lines of, this is less constricting than that and these feel better on my skin than those.
I can say that I am feeling better in the past few weeks than I have in months. Jody and I actually danced a Nightclub 2-step and a Waltz last night; it nearly brought me to tears. There is nothing better than gliding on the floor, even though I was completely rusty and my legs were beyond tired afterward.
I actually have downtime now and that is not always good. A few days ago this struck me. I found myself sitting on the floor of the shower, my body wracking with sobs, alone in my head asking the question that I had yet to verbalize, "Why me?" I had finally hit that part of the grieving process where I wrestled with God; where I was feeling sorry for myself and where I was angry. It was a cathartic time for me to speak the hard words and allow myself to feel the emotions.
Some of what I have gone through in the past two weeks is very conflicting; a dichotomy of sorts. For example, I am eating very well, yet at the same time, because of the infusions and obvious reduction of cancer in my GI tract, I am able to eat anything I want. I have eaten potato chips, ice cream, pizza and pasta, sausage and chocolate. These wonderful, horrible-for-you foods, are like a slice of heaven!
I am also reflecting on some of the big issues, like where to do my "big chemo" (R-HyperCVAD, the chemo that will be a one week in-patient hospitalization each month for 4 months). While MD Anderson may be the premiere cancer hospital, it may not be the best place for me during the big chemo time. I want and need my family and friends around me. Lately I have also found myself being very thoughtful about the pros and cons of doing R-HyperCVAD immediately following remission. There is a part of me that just doesn't understand this path.
I am seeing such a change in myself. I smile more, I live easier, I love deeper, I cry often and I realize so much more what an extraordinary life I have. I find that things don't seem to bother me to the extent they once did, the sun feels better when it shines and it really is a miracle that we wake up each morning.
I appreciate each one of you for following my journey and the wonderful kindness you have all shown me, through texts, calls, emails, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate the kindness shown in your drop-in visits (thank you Mark M.) and your wonderful healthy bone broth (thank you Deb). You all have a very special place in my heart and my life.