Nearing the End of Treatment

I am so looking forward to my next round of chemo being done and over.  I go in tomorrow and while I am not excited for the actual event itself, I am almost giddy with the thought of getting on with my life.  I find myself making plans for my future and it is exhilarating and rejuvenating.  This round will be tough as it is the hardest of the drugs and with the cumulative effect of the other rounds I cannot kid myself that this is going to be quite the test of fortitude.  But I know I can get through it as that means my life will be mine again.

I have signed up for a strength and conditioning class that will start in a few weeks. I need to not only get my strength and stamina back but I need to get my body back in shape.  I may weigh only one-hundred pounds, but thanks to my inactivity and high fat diet, I have lost all my muscle tone resulting in jiggly limbs and a poochy belly. 

While I am struggling mentally with my current body habitus, I have thoroughly enjoyed my new-found love of junk food.  I have become a bread and pasta junky, there really is nothing like potato bread and Kraft macaroni and cheese. I have also completely indulged my sweet tooth with all kinds of pastries, cookies and chocolate.  And let’s not forget to give some credit to Doritos and Milk Duds.  I am, however, grateful that the high protein, high fat diet has done its job and I am at a good starting weight again for this round.    

There is a lot that I have had to come to grips with, including the fact that I have no eyelashes, very few eyebrows and my hair seems to be coming back without color.  I am not sure if this means I will be gray, white or silver, or if my dark brown hair is just taking its own sweet time revealing itself. I also have extremely low stamina and am easily fatigued, this includes physically and mentally. Basically, I have only a handful of energy and I have to be very selective as to where I expel it.   

Regardless of all the physical changes, I am excited to start my new life, done with treatment and moving on to a new me. That too is something that I am surprised by and excited to see, the new me. This past year has been fraught with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual changes. I no longer recognize the person who started this journey.  I hope that my outlook for the future and my desire to speak my truth is respected and appreciated. 

I have also come to appreciate how beauty is within, grace is learned and wisdom is experienced. I am no longer so naive to think that I can stave off wrinkles forever with Botox and therefore hoping to stay within the confines of what is thought as commercially beautiful, nor am I ignorant enough to pretend that because I am well-read and educated that I am wise. Moreover, I am humbled to come to the understanding that without the presence of God in my life, grace is just wishful word speak.

I pray that I never forget these lessons. I was okay with my previous self, my way of living and my relationships, but now I actually love who I am becoming. I respect myself for the changes I am making and in the way I am starting to live my life.

This past week and a half I have experienced so much joy with my family and friends.  I have been able to attend a potluck and reconnect with friends, have dinner with two of my sons, spend time with friends at a BSU tailgate and have family over for a barbeque.  This is what life is about.  I have no bucket list. I have no place to see nor thing to do that frantically pulls at me to fulfill before I die. My idea of completing my life's desires and dreams is about spending time making memories with my family and friends, simply sitting outside taking in the sun with a good book, spending time on the dance floor, continuing to grow as a person with my volunteer work and keeping myself mentally challenged and satisfied.  

My life is beyond good, it is fantastic and I am grateful for each day, whether I am gray or without hair, poochy or in fabulous shape, I am here and it is such a Blessing.

As a dear friend of mine would have said regarding my last round and getting on with my life, “Let’s Roll!”

I love you all for walking this journey with me, we are nearly done with this season.    

Lynda Wolters