Keeping it all in perspective
Perspective. noun \pər-ˈspek-tiv\ The capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance ~ Merriam Webster.
I felt like I had perspective in the past few months. Remembering what was truly important and keeping that in the forefront. Interestingly, however, the better I feel, the less perspective I have.
For the past three weeks I have felt fantastic and with no pain. I still have some lower leg swelling, still struggle with anemia and still require an occasional nap. During this time of no pain I am finding renewed energy. I have started to walk stairs again, worked out once, have taken a dance lesson, gone out to dinner with friends and family, taken a continuing education class, attended a gala and been on a couple walks with Jody and Tucker. I am working hard and trying to regain some stamina.
However, the better I feel the more perspective I lose. It has dawned on me that when I am in pain, fevered or struggling with the sickness from the drugs, I have a much better understanding of what is real and important. Conversely, when I am feeling good not only do I nearly forget that I am sick, but I overlook how Blessed I am to have the life I do.
During the good times the sun is not as much the radiant warmth on my face but more a nuisance in my eyes, the squirrels are not as cute and the flowers not as cheerful. Colors are less bright. I can feel my appreciation for life slipping through my fingers as I feel better. I am slowly closing off my honest conversation and putting on my "PC" face with my appeasing behavior and expected smile. In three short weeks of feeling good, I can feel my grasp on living each day to the fullest, starting to fade.
I am also struggling with what I have come to realize as a sense of guilt. I actually have a feeling of guilt at times because I am not currently as sick as many of my friends with cancer. When I wasn't feeling well we were all in the same boat. Now I worry that I will be kicked out of the boat and left on my own island alone.
I truly feel good, almost misdiagnosed. So why then do I feel guilty? Perspective. I am losing it and I want it back. I don't want to be sick to appreciate living. I feel like screaming to the sky, "Give me back my perspective!"
As I head into next week and another PET scan I pray that I live with my perspective in place. To appreciate my life, honor the good days and not feel guilty when I have them.
As always, I thank you all for walking with me in this journey, for letting me ramble on about things that may not make any sense, and for taking the time to reach out to me; it truly means so much.