My Internal Conflict
I've been asked lately, as I am often, how am I doing. The easy answer is that I am doing good, which I am. The pain has not returned and the anomalies, while annoying, are tolerable. I am battling dizziness daily, my vision has declined with and without the use of glasses and my skin as well as my stomach are challenging. All of these issues are more than likely caused by my cacophony of drugs, but of course could be something more ominous. And therein lies the other way I could answer the question; that I am internally conflicted.
I am honestly, so done with this merry-go-round. I am tired of hearing myself talk about me, tired of being the center of conversation with others and tired of feeling, "off". I find myself breathing spring in deeply yet feeling frustrated that I often don't have the energy to get outside; desiring to dance yet disappointed in my body that it doesn't cooperate.
When I was first diagnosed I was terrified of the doom and gloom prognosis and the thought of going into the big chemo. Now I just want this to be done. While I am not anxious to go through the chemo, I am certainly not scared of it either. I just want to move on. I appreciate the work of the drugs these last few months, Ibrutinib, while definitely not my friend, has, with the help of Rituximab, decreased my cancer and done its job. I just wish it would finish up, get me into remission and let me get on with the chemo. I want to start living again. I want to be done with this cancer conversation.
Jody and I fly out today for my bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. I am struggling with anxiety, nervousness and fear along with trepidation of the results, but I am also slightly excited about the thought of one step closer to big chemo.
Through this all, and again today when I woke up, had no pain, saw the sun shine and thought about my life, my family and my friends, I am reminded that life is good and that I am so Blessed. I am aware that while I am conflicted with what I am going through, I am also one of the lucky ones that knows the true importance of saying what you need to say, reaching out to those you love and understanding that life is a gift.
My prayer for you is that you too find the true gift of life.
Thank you all for your love, friendship, kind words, calls, cards, texts, emails and visits. I couldn't do this without you.
I love you!